Really some people need to grow up

So I was dating this women but she acted more like child. Well I guess I would say it was more of a friends with benefits type of deal. And I had this friend who was just my friend well of course I introduced them to each other cause I wanted us to all hang out and chill. Well that was a bad idea on part, because a week later the friends with benefits ended and three days later they where together. They now live in another state thank god cause now I don't have to deal with them. But they think its fun to start drama and send nasty messages to me. But that is ok because I am the bigger and better person for not stooping to their level. It just really shows who you can trust to be your friends and who you can't.

Really how many times can one person hurt another. I would say only once. Then they can just take bits n pieces away. I tried to form this wall so I wouldn't get hurt but stupid me let the wall down and yup sure enough I got hurt again. Not as bad as the first time but I still got hurt in away. Or maybe I am more angry that I was stupid enough to let that person back in to my life again. Well anyways the wall is going back up. I am gonna just become a bitter mean ass hole. I just though I would warn people. Not like anyone really reads this.

Sorry if I haven't posted anything in a while. I have been busy. And also I really haven't had anything to say.
So on this note my topic for today is SHOULD THE GOVERNMENT LEGALIZE MARIJUANA?
I think yes. I have many reasons why. I want peoples opinions on this for real. I had to write a research paper for my writing class for my online classes. I hope it came out good.

Yeah hmm why does there have to be so many fake shallow closed minded lesbians out there? Can't someone just get to know someone for there inside. Not for what they look like on the outside. I wish all people where blind for real. Then no one could judge anyone for there looks. Then the world maybe a little better place.

Why is it when I find someone that wants to date me she has to live in another state. Why can't I just meet someone that lives in my state. Cause that would be way to easy. I guess life has its challenges. I wish sometimes  life would just give me a break. Ugh how I wish I could just get a break for once.

Why am I so lonely. I am not a bad person. I am not crazy in a bad way. I am smart. I am kind. I am honest. I am real. I don't like to lie. But yet I am lonely. I know I have friends but where are they. It really only seems like they are there when they want to be. So I am used to being home. Being alone. Its all good though. I guess I will do a lot of soul searching. I guess I will know myself inside and out. I just hope one days someone will find me who is just as lonely as I am.

Why is it when you tell someone you care about how you feel they run. Or they don't like you the way you like them. Why bother is what I'm thinking. Cause no matter what you seem to get hurt. Is this not true though. Like really what is the point of telling someone you care about them. I think maybe I will try and keep my feeling to myself. This is gonna be hard for me. Cause I am a caring person. But then I am wondering if it will back fire and then that person is thinking to themselves that maybe this person doesn't care about me at all. So almost no matter what I do or say I am fucked.. I thinking in the game of love there is no winner and everyone is a loser. Or you are only a winner for a short period of time...

Wow I told her I cared and I was starting to fall in love with her. I guess that was a mistake. Cause now I am being ignored. Why why why... This really bites. I just want someone who feels what I feel. why is that so hard to find that now a days. Oh well I will get over her like I have gotten over the others in the past. But getting hurt is a never ending game.

Okay so I am a lesbian. That's not something new. I have been one for almost 3 years now. And I still don't understand why lesbians need to label lesbians. And also why it is so hard to find another soft butch or butch to date. Yes I am a soft butch. Yes I like butch women. Well I like all women. I have dated femmes. I have dated sporty dykes. And I have also dated butch and soft butch. But what I really want to know is why its so hard to find another lesbian like me to date? Is that butches are suppose to date femmes? Really now. Can't I as a butch like the same type of lesbians. Is it a crime. Is it against the lesbian code of ethics? I really hope not. Other wise being a lesbian is gonna become boring. I'm just saying.

Why does the heart have to love? Why does there have to be heart ache? Why is my question of the day? Why  why why must I say. Here I go speaking my mind. Here I go crying one more time. For no reason at all. Just to let the tears flow from my eyes down my cheeks.
I think its cause I want to be with her. I think it cause we are so far away. Only hoping I will be with her someday soon. I think I am falling in love with her. Yes I am saying it out loud. Even though we have never met in person. Can that really happen. Falling in love with someone you have only text and talked to on the phone. I hope its not my mind and heart playing tricks on me once again. Thinking I love someone or have feelings for someone that I can not have. Or that does not want me. But I know she wants me well that is what I have been told anyways.. I guess when I can make it out to see her I will know for sure. Till that day my heart will ache for someone that I only want to be with and hold.
She is holding my heart in her hands not knowing that she is. Only to make me want her more and more every time we speak or text. I just hope my heart doesn't break one more time before we get to meet. Not sure if I can take it being broken anymore.

So how do you honestly know who your real friends are. I am almost thinking that is better not to have any at all. I almost feel its better to just be alone. Seriously do I really need anyone. Can I live life all alone. And not bother with other people. I think I really could. I mean I don't mind talking to people online or though text. But to interact with someone face to face I think I could get away with out that. This is just my thoughts and I am just letting them out.

Here I am just thinking. But what am I really thinking about. Half the time I don't know. These random thoughts go though my mind. Then I just forget what I was just thinking about. It has to be my ADHD. It's ok though cause I am used to forgetting things that are not important. And I don't forget the things I need to know. Sorry this is so random and its really not about anything important. I am sure not too many people read this. But it is ok. Cause I know I am lame. I know I am a dork. But I am me.

Just when you think that you lost all hope of finding someone that cares about you on the same level. That person finds you. She maybe 650 miles away. But she is out there waiting for me. I have been waiting for her. And I hope that day will come when I get to meet her face to face. Eyes to eyes. Hands to hands. Heart to heart. Tears to tears. Smile to smile. I just hope that day comes soon then never.

Why do I feel like my life is not where I want it to be. I feel like sometimes I am taking up space for someone who actually deserves to be on this planet called earth. Life is a mystery. I feel like no matter what I say, do, or feel its not good enough.
This is just me speaking my mind and letting my feelings out.

 These are just a few quotes and sayings and a few other things that I love...

Why don't some people understand I am my own person. I am sick of being controlled or told what I have to do and who I have to be friends with. I am free to choose who I want to be friends with. I have the right not to like someone if they hurt me. I have the right not to go some place if that person is going to be there. And if I lose friends over it then I guess they where really never my friends to begin with.
I know who my true friends are. I see who I can trust and who I can not trust. And if some people don't like this post oh well to bad because its on my wall and its my post. I am sick of doing things that don't make myself happy yet make other people happy. They are not living my life. I am living my life. And if you don't like it then delete me. I will not shed a tear. Because I do not care anymore. I will only care for those that I know care for me.